Monday, July 25, 2011
Since you asked......
How is my mother? The same........but thanks for asking.
"How are you?" No one ever asks this of you in relation to your parent with Alzheimer's. I am tired. It is a bone weary mental fatigue that doesn't go away. There is a moment each morning when I first awake that I don't have a mother with Alzheimer's. It only lasts a moment before the evenings cobwebs clear and reality comes back....but it is my favorite time of day. I walked in to my mothers room the other afternoon as they were changing her diaper and I had to walk out in embarrassment for her,..... at this indignity that would have devastated her at one time. I stumbled to the parking lot and cried by my car for all that she and I have lost. I went to a support group once and was the only one who showed up.
I watch the husbands and wives on her unit and go home and cry for them. I hold my husband just a little tighter praying that this disease doesn't come into our life. I grieve over and over. My grief now is all about the loss of the woman she was. At her death, will that change? Will I finally just grieve the loss of my parent? When I walk onto her unit and find that another resident has died, I think to myself..."good for them." They've been released and are free. I will probably have to move my mother to another facility. It seems she has defied all actuarial tables and has outlived her money. They say the transition to somewhere new is hard and may cause a decrease in her functioning. I don't know how any less functioning she can be. How am I? The same............ thanks for asking.