Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It has been so long since I last saw this woman pictured above that I forget what she was like.  I haven't been writing much, mostly because I haven't had anything to say.  I can't find my sense of humor anymore when it comes to Alzheimer's and it feels like all my thoughts about it are pretty maudlin.
Many of the people that live with my mom have been dying lately....some of them I have written about here.  My mother doesn't say much anymore or at least is quiet when I'm around.  I spent a couple hours with her last Saturday morning and the only thing she said in two hours was,  "Enough".  I don't know if it was a statement or a question, but I concur.

When we started this journey, I think I believed that people die when they are finished learning what it is they were supposed to learn and likewise when they were done teaching others what they were supposed to teach.  I'm not sure anymore.  I've learned some powerful things about myself since my moms illness took hold but not clear if she was the teacher or the disease was the teacher.  My mom has learned to let others care for be less independent, certainly something she cringed at in her previous life.  As we move forward, I find myself believing less and less in making meaning out of this process.  It's awful, it sucks and aside from the death of my father, it is the worst thing I have ever witnessed or experienced.  Enough said!