Tuesday, April 9, 2013

"Where I am Today"


My mother would be 90 years old today, as I come up on the six month mark of her death.  I take comfort in my belief that she is with those she loved and lost, though in fact, I know nothing of an afterlife.  Regardless....my belief works.  For a time after her death, I struggled to fill the empty hours that I had spent sitting with her.  I did not know what to do with all this free time, so continued to sit with myself as the holidays came and went. 

In the days following her death,  as I moved through the rituals of wakes and a funeral, I was surrounded by so many people offering their hearts in my time of grief.  It filled me with all things good and has sustained me throughout this long winter.  I grieved the loss of my mom a long time ago but still grieve the loss of this second mom that I have sat beside these last seven years.  A teacher to the end, she taught me compassion and a deep appreciation of the here and now. 

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and I recall the day fifteen years ago when she stood with me as I said my "I do's".  Her smile lit up the day, and she rested easy that evening as only a mother does in knowing I had found a love that would carry me through the years ahead. 

Our story written here has come to it's end.  This will be my last blog on this subject.  What started out as a substitution for therapy became so much more.  I am humbled by the comments and kind words you have shared with me these last three years.  You allowed me to share this journey and followed me to it's completion.  I thank you. 

Happy Birthday mom.....


  1. I love this. Great job, Pam. Happy Anniversary to you and Pete. I wish you all the happiness, love and joy you so deserve.

    Thank you so much for the time, energy and patience it took to document all of your feelings here. I will come back to this as I enter into a similar space with my own mother.

  2. You write so well. I can really relate to your feelings and emotions. Happy birthday to your mom, the woman who was so lucky to have you for her daughter. Also, happy anniversary to you and your husband. Enjoy your life and hold on to those memories. I hope that you continue to blog about something because you really do it well. I hope that you will continue to read my blog about our journey with my mom's Alzheimer's. Thanks for touching me with your posts.


  3. There are no words to convey what I have taken from your writing. I will say that every mother should be so lucky as to have such a loving daughter. I hope for you that your warm and fond memories of your mother will become more frequent than your feelings of sadness and loss. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.