Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Land of Buck-up

Ahh's the one trait I most admire in others and until this summer, I thought I had a wealth of it myself. I time my visits with my mom to catch her at a good time, which typically means she's awake and talking. I spend 4 mornings a week with her and about an hour is all I can take. I hate to admit this but with Alzheimers, its more about you than it is your mom. The tears start for me as I drive to visit her. It's always a crap shoot as to what I will be greeted with. I loudly announce myself with a "Hello Mom"....shes completely deaf having decided a year ago to toss her hearing aids in the laundry. Her top teeth are another story entirely...god knows what she did with those! She hasn't known me for the last 5 weeks, though her pleasure at my visits bring me some consolation. This morning she tells me she went fishing when I inquire about her day. We spend some time talking about this excursion and it is clear she enjoyed herself immensely. I do not know if this is a past memory or one of her current delusions. It does not matter I find. There was a time when I was insistent that she must know me, that she must place me in the proper location of her history. Alzheimers always gets the last laugh! I tag along behind, grateful for any scraps. I cry for all that has been lost and hope for her sake that her faith of seeing her loved ones again will be realized. Ahh mom sure has some, has had it her whole life. In the meantime, I hang tightly to all I have.

1 comment:

  1. Been reading this blog for awhile and have felt moved and supported at the same time. My sister is now in her 7th year and living in a "home". I live in Virginia and my sister in Massachusetts. Get to visit once a year. Some years better than others. Now she seems to have moved to a happy place. At least happy for her. Feel such mixed feelings. Happy that she is happy and so sad that my sister as I knew her is gone. In this last visit I swear that at one point she looked at me as if she knew me. She said " I will love you always" I take that moment home with a hope that it was what I felt it was. Pam, we all know how difficult the blogging is here but keep it up. It helps many you don't know. Just being able to get this small comment out has helped me. Thanks.